By: Jessica Anderson. Medically Reviewed By: Avia James. Attachment styles are our way of interacting with and attaching ourselves to the people who are the most important to us. These styles influence our mindsets and behaviors in our closest relationships. Knowing and understanding the attachment style you carry can benefit your life in many ways.
These attachment styles start in childhood and follow us into our romantic partnerships later in life. They are not something that we typically talk or think about, but they can affect our lives in many ways. The definitions for these attachment styles can be confusing if you don't entirely understand the terms "anxiety" and "avoidance. For example, anxiety in attachment could display itself as "clingy" behaviors. An anxiously attached individual might wish to stay as close as possible to the object of their attachment.
They may be very distressed at being separated from the object of their attachment. Reuniting with the object of their attachment may involve expressing anger or sadness. These emotional displays may serve to remind the object of the attachment of their affection, or perhaps punish them for leaving. Avoidance in attachment could display itself as cold or aloof behaviors. An avoidant individual might think of themselves as independent and self-reliant.
In reality, they may be distancing themselves from healthy relationships and regular human interactions. They might feel the need to demonstrate their detachment from partners or close family members. They might do this by placing a high priority on other aspects of life, such as hobbies, work, and other acquaintances. Although initial research on attachment styles was mostly done on children, further research has indicated that our attachment to caregivers as children plays a significant role in our attachment styles in relationships as adults.
As infants and children, our attachment to our caregiver serves to keep us safe and ensure that our needs are met. The quality of that attachment then informs our adult attachment style. Although most of our adult relationships are not directly aimed at our physical care, we have needs that are met by our close relations. These needs include affection, affirmation, intimacy, play, teamwork, and support.
The effects of attachment styles are especially strong in romantic relationships, as these most closely resemble our earliest relationships with caregivers in terms of intimacy and vulnerability.
Each adult attachment style brings along specific relationship characteristics. Remember, these are generalities, not inevitabilities. Still, knowledge of these patterns can help us to consider how our attachment style may be affecting our relationships. People with this attachment style know how to maintain appropriate boundaries while still participating fully in intimate partnerships. They tend to approach their relationships with confidence.
They experience low anxiety about their relationships. People with a secure attachment style tend to communicate effectively about any topic, including difficult ones.
A person with a secure attachment style generally has an optimistic view of their relationships and has the ability to be upfront about their wants and needs. They expect the same from their partner.
People with a secure attachment style are usually less afraid of being without an intimate partnership, as they have a strong identity in themselves alone. People with this attachment style are usually more anxious about their relationships than a person with a secure attachment style. Partners with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style may feel a greater need for reassurance and affirmation. This sometimes leads people with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style to invent or magnify conflicts or difficulties in their relationships.
They may feel a sense of security in a shared focus on these issues. People with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often have a more pessimistic, anxious, or paranoid view of their relationships. They might be more afraid of losing their partner, and they may act in jealous or possessive ways.
People with this attachment style can sometimes seem cold or distant. You do not want your child to be on edge all the time. Another central risk factor for building an insecure attachment with your child is not being aware of your own emotions and emotional needs.
If you have an insecure attachment style yourself, you are likely to pass it on to the next generation. So, if you suspect you might have attachment issues, it may be a good idea to make sense of those with someone close to you, with a therapist, or through self-help books and online courses. One final note here: keep calm. Adults with a secure attachment style tend to have it easier when it comes to social contacts, bonding, and intimate relationships.
They are aware of their emotions and emotional needs and are able to both experience and express those. They are open and straightforward and do not go to extremes. Securely attached adults have a positive view of themselves. They do not need reassurance in order to feel valued or worthy of love. Yet, this does not mean they reject or do not want intimacy or emotional closeness. They simply feel good on their own as well as in relationships.
These individuals also have a positive view of others. They are able to accept displays of affection, without fear or confusion. People with a secure attachment style are most commonly warm, loving, and lovable.
They aim at and are capable of building and maintaining meaningful and long-lasting romantic relationships. They are comfortable with proximity and bond easily with others. They are able to reflect on and make sense of their past experiences, even if their childhood was not perfect. They appreciate the good and understand and move on from the bad. If you match the profile described above, you should probably take a moment to be grateful for that.
Thank your parents. If you suspect that your attachment style is not entirely secure, you might be wondering whether you can change it and make it secure. Reading through some articles might give you a better idea of where you stand in the picture.
Bear in mind that you do not need to fully match a certain profile. You are unique and have a unique life history. If you liked this post and want to learn more about attachment theory, then we recommend following The Attachment Project on Instagram. We want to help you make sense of your attachment style in various contexts.
A secure attachment style forms through a special type of bond between children and their caregivers. I would like to sign up for the newsletter I agree with terms and conditions and privacy policy. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Anxious Attachment How does it develop in childhood? Avoidant Attachment What are symptoms in adult relationships? Disorganized Attachment What is it like to date a disorganized adult? Also, I recommend taking the attachment style quiz by Dr.
Diane Poole Heller with your partner or by yourself before self-assessing or scrutinizing your relationships. If you have a secure attachment, that means you are quite independent within your relationships and are usually not the jealous type. If you are currently in a relationship, you probably have a partner that aligns their stress management with yours, meaning that they are low on confrontation and high on communication.
However, what we will find throughout this article, is that opposites do attract and they can work well together. I would consider the attachment styles more like a spectrum and less like a sure-fire way of understanding who is meant to be with whom.
You could help build the confidence of your partner if you are secure and they are fearful or vice versa. Trust is also vastly important to those who are fearful, so establishing a reliability and accountability from the get-go could make the relationship flourish. Best Compatibility: Secure. Opposite Compatibility: Fearful. Worst Compatibility: Dismissive. Next up, the anxious attachment. This style is probably the most common, which is unfortunate because it is not exactly the model for healthy relationships.
They need constant reassurance and affection from their partner. They have trouble being alone or single. People with anxious attachments are fiercely loyal hence the higher risk for codependency and they are great at opening up to others who they feel a connection with not so much with strangers. The best match for an anxious attachment? Definitely, the secure attachment, since you could learn so much from a partner who is reassuring, confident, and has well-developed communication skills.
Opposite Compatibility: Dismissive. Worst Compatibility: Fearful. If you like to say that you wear the pants in the relationship, you are probably on the dismissive side of the attachment spectrum. For this, someone who is anxious could actually be quite compatible. Therefore, I think that someone who is anxious could learn a thing or two from someone who is avoidant-dismissive because they are primarily opposites.
The communication would need some work, but someone who is dismissive could bring a sense of confidence to someone who is more on the anxious side. They could also take the lead in the relationship, which removes a lot of stress from someone who is anxious and is unsure on how to trust others.
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